We all know the song “It’s My Party” and I’m sure all of you read that and finished with the lyrics, “And I’ll cry if I want to.” That song has always confused me because who cries at a party? A party is supposed to be fun and full of joy and laughter, not tears. This year, as I am days away from my 39th birthday, I have a different understanding and appreciation for the song.

I have always loved my birthday. Who doesn’t enjoy a day that’s all about them and comes with gifts and delicious desserts. I mean, honestly. This year though feels different. I can’t help, but think about where I thought I would be when I was 39 years old and this certainly isn’t it. I didn’t have being on disability, not cleared to work, living with my parents, having a limited income, etc on my bingo card for my 39th year of life. I don’t know anyone who would have any of those things on their bingo card.. you don’t win much if you get a BINGO with a card full of those super fun things. 5 years ago if you asked me I would have said things like “I’ll still be teaching”, I’ll own a home”, “I’ll travel”, “I’ll have 4 dogs with matching collars”, “I’ll have a closet full of power bitch heels”, etc.

There is a part of me that wanted to let my birthday pass by with no celebration because it feels like what is there to celebrate? My life sometimes feels like it’s lived in the slow lane of the highway and everyone else is zooming me by me on their way to accomplish their dreams. My hopes and dreams look very different from the average 39 year old and with that comes grief and shame. The fact I have shame related to diseases that are no fault of my own is something my new therapist is working on with me.. Let me tell you, she earns every cent she is paid working with me for an hour a week.

My OT snapped me out of myself-imposed grief and shame party of 1 by listing off a whole list of accomplishments I’ve had in the last year that are worth celebrating. My body is more resilient. I am able to eat more food now(this is good and bad as my tighter jeans can testify to). I have more stamina. I have more good days than bad days. I completed vision therapy. The world spins less often and when it does spin it’s not like I am on the Tilt-A- Whirl ride from hell. These are all things to celebrate and while they aren’t things the average person would celebrate, the average person isn’t living with what I live with.

Some very deep and wise person said “Comparison is the thief of joy.” I don’t know who this deep and wise person was. I am sure if you look it up, Google can tell you. They are right though. When we compare where we are to where we want to be, thought we would be, think we should be, etc where we are will always come up short. The comparing will always make us feel less than, sad, and frankly, kind of pissed off at the Universe as a whole. I can’t compare Sara today with Sara 5 years ago or the Sara I thought/wanted/ think I should be at 39. Doing that, leaves Sara today with no chance of feeling joy.

So, as my birthday comes this week I am going to do my best to avoid comparing myself to anyone but myself. I am going to do my best to focus on all the things I can do and have done as opposed to the things I can’t and haven’t. I am going to allow myself to celebrate things I never thought I would be celebrating. I am going to allow myself to celebrate me and be proud of how far I’ve come (Just writing that sentence made me cringe because it feels very braggy for some reason). I am going to do my best not to cry at any of my birthday celebrations, but if I do, it’s my party after all..