Yes, you read that right. I am back on the therapist market after my first new therapist broke up with me after our first 45 minute session. It was my shortest relationship ever. In all seriousness, the reason for the breakup was totally understandable and I appreciate her honesty. We just weren’t a fit and that’s ok. It was a “It’s me, not you” kind of breakup.

Being broken up with after our first session, gave me a chance to really reflect on what I want/need in a therapist. I am great at talk therapy. I can tell you how I feel, why I feel the way I do, and how it relates to my patterns/narrative. Some in my life would say I am little too skilled at telling them how I feel! My problem is I don’t like to feel my feelings. I’ll talk about them all day, but actually feel the feelings.. no, thanks.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading focused on how our body holds onto trauma, feelings, past hurts, etc and how holding onto those things can affect both our physical and mental health. Obviously the last 3 years have been a rollercoaster ride through the lands of trauma, what in the actual fuck, why is this happening, and grief, so its not a surprise there are a lot of feelings just hanging out in my body. As someone who would rather walk across hot coals barefoot than feel her feelings, I realized I need someone who is skilled in helping me feel my feelings and sit in the uncomfortable. I am good at siting in the uncomfortable for a bit and then I’m like “Ok, that’s not very fun. What’s next?”

Wednesday I meet with a therapist who is trained in somatic therapy, which is a body-centered approach to therapy. I don’t know a whole lot about somatic therapy, so I of course have images of being asked to do weird stretches and body movements to release held emotions while sipping some really gross tea. For some reason whenever I think of a holistic or whole-body treatment/therapy of any kind there’s always really gross tea involved. Why? I wish I could tell you. Clearly I am going into this new therapy experience with a completely open mind and absolutely zero preconceived judgements.

While I am nervous to start a new type of therapy and a little nervous that this therapist will also break up with me after the first session.. if that happens its not a case of “It’s me and not you” because if 2 therapists breakup with me after my first session, it’s clearly me. But, I digress. While there are nerves there is also a feeling that this is the next right step I need to take in my journey. I know the only way through what has happened is to actually walk through it and not ignore it. I’d love like a Disney style fast pass lane through grief and trauma, but unfortunately that doesn’t exist.

I know to heal it.. I have to feel it. I turned into the Dr. Seuss of therapy there for a moment. It’s true though. There is no side stepping around the brutal moments of life. We’ve all had them and we will all have more in the future (uplifting thought I know), but we don’t have to carry the baggage they leave behind with us forever. Yes, those brutal chapters will always be a part of us, but they don’t have to define us, dictate the way we live, and affect our lives for the rest of our lives. We don’t have to carry the pain of those moments in our bones, our soul, and our being forever. Trauma, grief, brutal moments, etc aren’t a life sentence.

So, come Wednesday I will walk into a new therapist’s office to begin a new chapter in this journey. Hopefully a chapter marked with growth, acceptance, letting go, and no really gross tea.