Last week A+ therapist and I were discussing how living with chronic illness requires one to be intentional in ways that get overwhelming at times and take the spontaniety out of life. If I do my entire morning routine of treatments, red light therapy, stretches, brain games, meditation, etc from start to finish at one time it’s about 90 mins to 2 hours. Ideally, I need this routine in its entiriety each morning to start my day off right and to be as successful as I can at making it through the day. Gone are the days of getting up 10 minutes before I have to be out the door.

A+ after listening to me talk about the above mentioned struggles and others related related to living with chronic illness dropped the mic with this line “Sara, I feel like you’re trying to high achieve chronic illness.” She drops these truth cannons without any warning what so ever and says them in the same tone one might say “Oh, the weather is lovely out today” not as if she’s saying statements that to the recipient feel like being smacked with a 2×4. I swear its like a Jedi mind trick skill all therapists learn in therapy school. Once I had recovered from the 2×4 smacking induced whiplash, I realized she was right.

I’ve spent most of my life focused on achieving. I can remember being so annoyed that my Masters program didn’t give out honor cords because I wanted to graduate with honors as if doing so somehow made me a better teacher than someone who graduated with passing grades. I’ve focused on achieving awards, accolades, kind words, affirmation, etc. I’ve focused on achieving because a large part of me got my self worth from things outside myself, such as achieving.

So, it should come as no surprise that I would try and high achieve chronic illness. Of course I would decide to be a superhero cape wearing warrior of chronic illness who struggles with showing just how hard this journey is each and every day. Of course I would set unrealistic expectations for my healing journey and then be disappointed when I don’t reach them.. hard to reach expectations that are about as reasonable as expecting an elephant to perform a ballet. Somewhere along the way I got the misguided message that there’s a group somewhere that’s going to give me gold stars and A+ for how high I achieve at chronic illness. I’m just waiting for my chronic illness honor cords to be sent to me in the mail.

The problem with trying to high achieve chronic illness is the pressure that comes from being a high achiever is the last thing my body needs. The pressure I put on myself to live life now as similar to life when I was fully functional and healthy is not helping my healing journey. I can’t do life in the same way I could do life before, no matter how badly I want to be able to. In my quest to high achieve chronic illness what I am actually doing is trying to avoid the fact that life today bears very little resemblance to life before. If I keep things as similar as possible then I don’t have to admit just how different life today looks like from life before.

A+ said I need to approach my chronic illness like students who don’t care about their grades.. I need to fail at chronic illness. I need to remove the pressure of trying to achieve during this time in my life and instead surrender to what is and do what my body and soul need. I don’t need to be a superhero cape wearing warrior of chronic illness who does her best to live life as normally as possible. There is very little that is “normal” about the last 2 years of my life and this current situation, so trying to live life as such is an exercise in futility.

Yesterday, I went hiking with friends and superhero of chronic illness Sara would have only stopped on the hike when her body absolutely forced her to. Yesterday, I was failing at chronic illness Sara and I stoped multiple times on the hike. Each time I spoke up and said, “I need to take a break” was uncomfortable for me because it was me admitting I couldn’t keep up, I couldn’t be “normal.” However, it was also freeing because I was accepting my body. I was listening to my body when it whispered, so it didn’t have to scream. It was also interesting to note that the friends I was with had no issue with me stopping. They simply said, “Ok” and enjoyed the scenery while I was taking my breaks. I am the one far more concerned about and convinced of the burden my illnesses place on others than anyone else is.

If there’s something in your life right now that you are trying to high achieve at, stop, and listen to the toll doing so is taking on your body. Maybe you’re trying to high achieve making a relationship, job, friendship, etc work. I would guess that whatever it is in your life that you’re trying to high achieve that doing so is putting a lot of pressure on your soul and on your body. So, maybe try failing instead. Maybe try acceptance and surrendering. Maybe remove the ideals of what you have to think, be, and do to high achieve and just accept where you are and who you are.

PS: I have like one day of experience with this whole failing at life mantra from A+ therapist, so I am by no means an expert and you try failing at life at your own risk. I can’t be held responsible for what happens when you shift from high achieving life to failing at life. If it goes horribly wrong for you, blame A+ therapist.