That’s the question A+ therapist pulled out of her therapy bag of tricks at our last session after we had spent most of the session talking about how this new life, this new person, this new body, don’t fit. It’s as if I’m walking around wearing someone else’s life and on the outside it looks like it fits and like the pieces are all together, but on the inside it feels completely wrong. Many days I look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person or life staring back at me.

I made the mistake of pausing after I said the above mentioned thoughts and one should never pause with an A+ therapist. They don’t see pausing as evidence that maybe you’re taking a beat to collect yourself, wipe the snot that’s running out from your nose after ugly crying, and simultaneously silently cursing the universe that you only have two modes of crying.. its either a trickle of tears or full on ugly crying. No, they see pausing as an invitation. As a moment to capitalize on. And capitalize on it she did when she asked “What do you miss the most about your life and self before?” I sat in silence on the gray couch in her office and thought to myself, “What the hell kind of question is that?” and “Is this really what I pay her for?” Unfortunately for me it’s exactly what I pay her for and unfortunately for me she’s incredibly comfortable with silence, so me getting out of answering the question was not going to happen. I have no doubt she would have spent the remaining 40 mins of the session in silence just waiting for me to answer. I would have spent the remaining 40 mins with a boulder of awkwardness in my chest, so answering was really my only option.

I thought about it for a bit and I said, “I miss how easy that life was. I miss being able to get up and go and do what I wanted without a second thought. I didn’t have to think about my heart rate, if I had eaten, what I’d done the day or two before, how much sleep I’d gotten, how hard an activity was going to be for my body, etc. I could just live.” That’s what I miss most.. truly living without limitations

. I can’t escape my illness if I wanted to because I have to take them into account with every decision I make. There is not a decision I make during my day that doesn’t relate back to my illnesses. It’s a constant reminder that I and my life are nothing like they were before and never will be again. That’s a fact I have to come to terms with and accept, but I am nowhere near acceptance. The sign that says “Welcome to Acceptance. Population: An untold number of people who didn’t want to come here either” is not within my sight at all. In fact every time A+ therapist brings up Radical Acceptance, I roll eyes. Radical Acceptance is apparently the grass fed organic version of acceptance and just normal acceptance is the SPAM of the acceptance world. Who knew there was an acceptance hierarchy. I have yet to figure out why I have to radically accept something as opposed to just normally accepting something.

For right now I am doing my best to live my life and live with a body that most days I feel like neither of them fits me. It’s like when you put on jeans after gaining weight. You can get them on, you can get them to button, but they don’t feel comfortable at all. We’ve all had that experience. Whether it’s our jeans, our job, our friends, our family, our selves, etc that just don’t feel like they fit. Right now, this life and this body don’t feel comfortable at all. Someday, they will, but today is not that day and today is certainly not the day I’ll be radically accepting anything except the fact that I can never pause again during a therapy session.