Franklin D. Roosevelt is famously quoted for saying, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” I tend to disagree with the former President. If you live long enough, you have plenty to fear besides just fear itself. Geometry, spiders, JOJO Siwa’s music, and Omaha drivers all come to mind when I think of fear. I wish that I could say that having a virus implode life as I knew it 21 months ago has made me less fearful, but it hasn’t. If anything it has increased my fear because I now fear things I never knew to be afraid of.

This last week I was sick with all the symptoms of Covid and I was fearing much more than just fear itself. I was terrified that yet again I had caught the virus with a capital V and couldn’t help but wonder what remains of my life it would ravage this time. Thankfully, I had Influenza A and not Covid. I never thought I’d be celebrating getting the flu, but I was absolutely joyful when my test results came back positive for the flu and negative for Covid. It felt like Punisher’s Clearing House had showed up on my front door step with a big fat check declaring me the contest winner. To be honest, a check would have been much nicer than respiratory virus test results I received, but one has to take what life gives them.

As I was reflecting this week I realized I fear something that is impossible for me to completely avoid. If one fears monkeys, they don’t go to the Zoo or the faraway places where monkeys just roam the streets. I’m all for living with nature, but monkeys roaming the streets is a little bit too close to nature for me and also just seems like a disaster waiting to happen, but I digress. If one fears heights, they avoid tall buildings, bridges, etc. I fear a virus that the only way I can guarantee I don’t get it is I never leave my house and I’m never around another human being. While I enjoy my own company and my solitude quite a bit, resigning myself to a life of basically solitary confinement just to avoid Covid doesn’t seem reasonable and/or healthy.

All I can do is live my life while being careful and cautious. I take calculated risks and often think to myself “If I get Covid after this event, will it have been worth it?” For some events the answer is yes and others it’s a resounding no. I have to balance having a healthy fear of a virus that can and already has wreaked havoc on my body and also not letting that fear dictate or control my life. It’s a fine line I walk daily and sometimes it’s a line that’s hard to find my balance on. To be honest, balance has never been my thing.. if you ever saw me attempting to do yoga, you would understand. My body seems to love to lean to one side or the other. Child’s pose and downward dog are about the only two poses I don’t look like a tower that could collapse with the slightest gust of wind.

I look at fear as another acquaintance I have added to my life’s journey in the last 21 months. For now, she’s here to stay. Maybe someday I’ll look her in the face and be able to vanquish her to some far away kingdom, but today is not that day. Today I still have many things I fear besides fear itself and I’m ok with that. I think we all have things we fear. Some are big things and some are little, but being fearful doesn’t make one anything other than human. I suspect FDR had his own fears as well, but listing out his fears wouldn’t have been very President like and also wouldn’t have made for a very good quote.