Since we are just getting to know one another, I think it’s important to go back to the beginning.. August 7th, 2022

Libra Horoscope August 7^th, 2022

It is important to use your competence to set a foundation for a fruitful personal and professional life. Take pleasure in the developments because they are the outcome of your diligent effort over time. It’s your luck and your hard work that are getting you where you need to go. Overall, things are looking bright in terms of career today. Sibling arguments about inheritance can spiral out of control if they become big concerns. You will at least experience some physical advantages if you can burn some calories and get more fit. Your companion will assist you in letting go of the past by showing you unconditional affection. You will be able to advance into lovely days as a result.

The above is my horoscope for the day my life changed forever. Clearly whoever was reading the signs that day missed something because nowhere in my horoscope does it say, “Today is the day your life will change and never be the same again. Prepare accordingly.”

I woke up that morning with all the usual Covid-19 symptoms, but convinced myself it was just a cold as I didn’t have time to be sick. School was starting in a week and that meant I had 7 days to figure out how to run an elementary school after- school program for 80 kids. Being sick was not an option. Later in the day, my powers of denial were no match for my symptoms and I decided to take a Covid test. I have no evidence to support this, but I am almost positive the same people who write the directions for IKEA furniture also write the directions for Covid tests. Of course after 15 mins the dreaded pink line appeared and confirmed I in fact had Covid. I assumed I would miss 5 days of work and then life would be back to normal.

Three days after testing positive I began to experience dizziness that I can only describe as the feeling one gets when they ride the tilt a whirl too many times, heart palpitations that resembled the footsteps of Godzilla making his way down the streets of NYC, and nausea that made drinking water difficult. Walking from my couch to my bed felt like running a marathon. I got Paxlovid hoping it would help and all it did was make my mouth taste like I had eaten the contents of my silverware drawer. it’s that bad.

I tried going back to work, but realized after two days that wasn’t going to be possible and I needed medical attention. I went to the Emergency Room August 17th, 2022 and since then have seen more doctors that I can count, have been poked with more needles than phlebotomists are during their training, and went down the holistic herb/supplement route all in an effort to get better. Some of my symptoms have improved.. I can walk further than my couch to the fridge before I’m out of breath, I can drive again, and I’m no longer putting my purse in the fridge. However, many of my debilitating symptoms remain and I deal with them and the limitations they create on a daily basis.

I used to think once I had a diagnosis or diagnoses I would take meds, get better, and get back to my life BC.. Before Covid. However, recently I have realized there is no going back to my life BC. That life is gone. Accepting and grieving a life that has died while you’re still alive is perhaps one of the weirdest and most confusing journeys I’ve ever had to embark on. I am slowly coming to the realization that life going forward is going to look very different and that “getting better” when you’re dealing with chronic illnesses is day by day. Some days are good. Some days are tolerable. Some days are really bad. Even on the good days though, I still have symptoms. I will never get better to the point I am symptom free. A reality I have yet to completely wrap my brain around.

The last 21 months of my life have easily been the hardest I have ever faced and yet they also have brought wisdom and gifts I don’t think I would have received any other way. Mary Oliver wrote, “Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.” I am slowly realizing that this box of darkness has gifts.. gifts I’ve been given and gifts I have yet to receive.