You probably read that post title and thought to yourself, “What? Who would choose to suffer?” The truth is all of us at some point have played a role in our own suffering and we’ve chosen to suffer. There’s a quote by Buddha that says “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” The first time I read that quote I hardcore rolled my eyes. I don’t know if that’s committing some universal sin to hardcore roll your eyes at wisdom from the Buddha, but I did. I am also sure there were some choice words that followed the hardcore eye roll. Unfortunately, the dude is right. We all make choices and sometimes those choices lead to suffering and often times we continue to make choices that lead to our suffering. 

Now, I don’t think any of us are walking around consciously thinking “How can I make a choice today that’s going to make me suffer?” Instead, we get caught in patterns of thought and behavior that lead to us suffering. A+ once said “Humans will choose familiar discomfort over unfamiliar comfort.” Our brains teach us to fear the unknown and as a result we will almost always choose that which feels comfortable even if that which feels comfortable is causing us to suffer. You probably guessed that the only way to break this cycle is to notice you are doing it, choose to do things that feel uncomfortable, and embrace the unknown. Really fun stuff to do. One of these days I’d like the answer to fix a thought pattern or habit to be: going on all expense paid vacation to a luxury resort with no cell service and only the humans of your choosing, but that has yet to be the answer. 

You may be asking yourself why in the world I am thinking about the uplifting topic of suffering, but it’s TikTok’s fault. There are many people on TikTok who have chronic illnesses and use their social media accounts to raise awareness about their illnesses, treatments, and to build a community as living with chronic illnesses can be an isolating experience. I often see these videos pop up on my For You page and I can’t help but recognize myself in many of them because many of these people are stuck in the cycle of trying to find a cure. They are trying desperately to find the pill, supplement, therapy, etc that is going to make their illness go away and have life return to what it was. I was stuck in that cycle myself. I was convinced that if I just rested enough, ate right, did my therapy exercises, etc that all of this was going to go away and life was going to go back to normal. It’s only now that I am out of that cycle (mostly) that I can see how I was contributing to my own suffering. 

By refusing to accept what had happened and refusing to meet my body where it was, I was choosing to suffer and I was making my body suffer as well. I was expecting my body that is sick and hurting to do what my perfectly healthy body could do. It’s kind of like expecting a preschooler to do multiplication. When I began accepting that this is where my life and body are and began meeting my body where it was each day instead of where I wanted it to be, I began to ease some of my own suffering. I still have pain, I still have symptoms, I still have hard days, etc, but I am kinder to my body and I can say to myself “I’ve been here before and I’ve made it out. I’ll make it out this time too.” 

If you’re reading this and you are stuck in a cycle of making choices that contribute to your own suffering, there is no judgement. Like zero. We live in a world that values productivity, health, pulling yourself up by your boot straps, not letting people see you sweat, not quitting, etc, so I understand the desire and the pressure you feel to get back to where you were, who you were, back to life in the before, and to solve/fix whatever issues or changes you are facing. I understand the daily hope that this medicine, this therapy, this strategy, this food, this conversation, etc will be the thing to make everything better. 

 Acceptance and surrendering are a process and I still have days where I am like fuck this and days I struggle greatly. Personally, I think fuck this and acceptance go hand in hand. I don’t think they had the phrase “Fuck this” back during the days of Buddha, but if they did I have no doubt he would have spun it into some kind of very profound wisdom. For me, acceptance doesn’t mean I like what has happened or that I am ok with the ways my life has changed, acceptance means making choices each day that support my body where it is and giving my body what it needs. Sometimes I make those choices with joy and sometimes I literally force myself to do the things my body needs because I know in the end they will help. 

Acceptance means being able to say “It is what it is” instead of “I hate this.” Acceptance means being able to laugh when I forget a word, make a silly mistake, forget where I’m driving, etc instead of saying “You and your brain are damaged.” Acceptance means learning to love this body and this season instead of spending all my time and energy trying to get back to my body and life before. This one is a major work in progress. I still have moments I’d give anything to go back to the body I had before and the life I had before, but those moments don’t last as long as they used to and I am no longer afraid of them. I let them come and let them be. 

One of the great heroes of my life, Oprah, wrote a book listing all the things she knows for sure. She’s far more enlightened than I am as the things I know for sure could not fill up a book, but one thing I know for sure is we can do hard things. We can do the things that scare the shit out of us. We can say the things that make our voices quiver. We can embrace the unfamiliar even if everything in us is shaking and telling us to run. We can be cycle breakers.