About a month ago I started with a new therapist due to insurance issues forcing a therapist breakup between myself and A+. Trying to replace an A+ therapist is not easy and the search was a journey. Knowing myself and knowing I have a lot feelings stored in my body that need to be felt and processed, I specifically decided to look for a somatic therapist. Somatic therapy is a body-centered approach to therapy as opposed to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that focuses on the brain, thought patterns, etc.

We have been meeting together each week for about a month now and this new therapist has gone nameless since then. I mean, she has a name, she just doesn’t have a blog name. I needed time to get to know her before bestowing a blog name on her. After yesterday’s sessions and a conversation with friends, her name became clear. The new therapist will be referred to as “Her Majesty of Feelings” or HMOF for short.

I chose this nickname because the woman loves feelings. I mean, let’s be honest, every therapist loves feelings. They love to talk about them and they especially love when you show them. I am convinced therapists get a therapist gold star every time they make a client cry in a session, but I digress. HMOF particularly loves feelings and loves asking me where I feel things in my body. Her first response after I share anything is “Where do you or did you feel that in your body?” At first, it was a little annoying, like where do I feel anger when I’m driving? That would be in my mouth as I’m yelling at the cars.. duh. lol. However, now I am finding when I feel things I think about where am I feeling that in my body. For someone who is great at intellectualizing their feelings, but not actually feeling them, this question forces me to get out of my head and into my body.

During yesterday’s session we were talking about everyone’s favorite topic.. grief. You want to kill the vibe of a party so you can go home early just bring up grief.. the party will be over quickly. As we were talking about grief and the many layers of grief I have to feel.. doesn’t that sound like a fun adventure in my future, we talked about how I am more open to feeling grief when I am being creative whether that’s writing, creating a collage, listening to music, etc. The walls I put up to feeling the grief don’t seem to be quite as tall or quite as fortified when I am engaged in something creative.

As is true with any therapist, sometimes you share things and they come back to you with ideas of how to address or start to address what you shared, and you think to yourself “I should have kept my mouth shut.” Because I shared the above information that I allow grief to come easier when I am engaged in some creative pursuit I now get to have a night in at home with grief. I get to put on comfy pjs, wrap up in a blanket, and create a playlist of music that will elicit grief and I am assuming HMOF’s hope is tears will also flow. Try not to be jealous. For someone who likes to avoid grief or just deal with her at the incredibly inconvenient times that she likes to pop up, the idea of doing something specifically to make her show up is not an exciting one. It kind of feels like poking the bear. I’d rather just leave the bear alone and let the bear sleep peacefully.

Unfortunately, I do know that to move through and beyond what has happened and what has been lost I actually have to both acknowledge and feel what has happened and what has been lost. There is no game board shortcut through grief. I’d love to pass by grief, collect 200 dollars, and be on my way. Instead, I get to sit with grief and listen to her melodies. I know it won’t be easy, it won’t be fun- grief and fun don’t go together, but I also know its a necessary step on this ever evolving and continuing journey to heal and to move on.

If you’re like me and feeling your feelings is about the absolute last thing on Earth you want to do, maybe try feeling them in a creative way. Put on a movie that’s guaranteed to elicit the feelings you need to feel. Create a playlist. Write a Poem. Paint. Create a picture collage. You may just find the walls of resistance are removed when you creatively approach feeling your feelings.

According to Rumi, “The cure for the pain is in the pain.” Such an uplifting and heartwarming quote. I can’t imagine why there’s not dozen of Hallmark Cards with this quote on them. I’m sure Her Majesty of Feelings, every therapist, and every self-help author would agree with Rumi that you have to be in it and feel it to heal it, so in my case the cure for the grief is in the grief. So, into the grief I go..