You’ll notice it’s been awhile since I’ve posted a new blog and that’s because these last almost 4 weeks I have just been surviving. There hasn’t been a lot of thriving going on. The last 4 weeks have just been putting one foot in front of the other to get through each day and get through each day I have. There have been days I have come to the end of the day and thought “Ok, I made it through the day despite moments where I was sure time was just standing still.” I haven’t written because I haven’t had the energy and also because this blog is supposed to be about living with and thriving with chronic illnesses and there hasn’t been any thriving happening over here.

As I was finishing up my daily meditation this morning and I got to the line of my own personal mantra that reads, “May I celebrate and accept my humanness” I realized that part of celebrating and accepting my humanness is celebrating and accepting the moments or seasons where I’m surviving as opposed to thriving and being open and honest about them, so here goes…

The last 4 weeks have been a very human season. Turns out that going almost 6 weeks without critically important treatment due to the lovely systems of Medicare and Medicaid can wreak havoc on one’s body. The first 2 weeks without 2x a week Lymphatic treatments and OT weren’t too bad, but the last almost 4 weeks hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been dealing with headaches, dizziness, severe nausea, and bed spins that feel like I am riding on my own personal Tilt A Whirl. It also hasn’t helped that Mother Nature has decided to flex her proverbial strength with frequent thunderstorms and barometric pressure changes. Add in an ear infection and the last almost 4 weeks have basically contained all the ingredients needed to serve up a three tier chronic illness shit show cake.

In the midst of this shit show I have been doing my best not to lose my shit. Easier said than done and there have absolutely been moments I have lost my shit. Moments I have ugly cried on the couch. Moments I have not offered my body kind words. Moments I have not been easy to deal with. Moments I have felt sorry for myself. Moments that even binge watching the Real Housewives couldn’t make me feel better. Moments where I’ve need help.

If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you know that needing help is something I struggle greatly with. I am independent with a capital I and if I can push through and do it myself I am going to. Unfortunately, when you’re so dizzy that the room is spinning and you’re walking like you spent all afternoon taking shots of some colorful adult beverage, you have to ask for help. It’s a humbling experience to be so dizzy you have to scoot on your butt up a flight of stairs to get to bed. Very cute look. I’ve needed more help these last 4 weeks than I have needed in a long time and it’s been a challenge for me. I am beyond grateful to have the village I have. Over the last 4 weeks they have been willing to drop what they were doing to help me and have showed up for me in unbelievable ways as there have been days when I’ve pretty much needed help to do much of anything. I will say that feeling so crappy has made it much easier to accept help. I am by no means an accepting help expert after these last 4 weeks, but I definitely think I have moved past the beginner level of accepting help.

I wish I could tell you that I have experienced some great enlightenment through these last 4 weeks that could help all of us get through those seasons of our life that feel like a complete and total shit show, but I haven’t. Sorry to disappoint. What I have learned or I guess what has been reinforced for me is that some moments or seasons in life just suck and you have to embrace the suck and find beauty in the suck. There are seasons of life where it feels like you’re hiking up a steep hill covered in liquid mud and that you keep sliding down that hill and face planting in said mud. In those seasons and/or moments all one can do is embrace the mud. Embrace the mess that it is, the mess that you are, and throw yourself a hot mess mud party. I do know that beating yourself up, yelling at the mud, and/or trying to push your way up a muddy hill, don’t work. Embrace all life brings.. the seasons filled with sunshine and rainbows and the seasons filled with mud. You need both.