Yes, I had the song “I’m Still Standing” in my head when I thought of this title. I almost always have some song running through my head and right now it’s Elton John.. appropriate choice for PRIDE month. It’s also appropriate coming out of a flare as I am literally still standing.. well, actually I am laying down, but you get the idea.

Just as the title suggests, I have been dealing with a flare. If I am honest, I am just on the outskirts of a flare. Im in that space where if I push my body even a little bit back to the land of active flaring I will go. It turns out humidity, heat, back to back days of storms, my period almost starting, and not pacing myself the best the last couple of weeks don’t go together to well. They all converged together this week to make one giant flare that left me dizzy, tired, wearing my headache hat like a permanent accessory, and adding new places to my list of “Places in Town I’ve Gotten Sick In.” I don’t actually have a list, but one tends to remember stores, restraints, gas stations, etc that they have had the honor of getting sick in. Side note: It could be a catchy title for a memoir. If I saw that title on a bookshelf I would at least pick the book up and give it a look. Anyways, It was a debilitating multi-day flare that had me down and out. Like laying on the couch watching the Ultimatum on Netflix down and out.

You would think I would be use to these flares by now as they happen somewhat often, but I still feel like each time they happen they knock me off course. They knock me off course physically, but also emotionally in ways I don’t always expect and/or know how to handle. I don’t think there is a more vulnerable time in my life than when I am in a bad flare. It feels like I am completely naked with all my wounds showing on the surface. I am fragile.. like thin paper that it takes no effort to rip. Someone could come along and bump into me and it feels like the fragile glue that holds my house together would disintegrate and it would all come crashing down. All my protections and my defenses are gone because I don’t have the energy and/or the ability to man my defense stations. I’m realizing when it comes to my illnesses there are still quite a few defense stations that I man on a daily basis.

Of course because the Universe has quite the sense of humor the time when I feel the most vulnerable, exposed, sensitive, fragile, uncertain, etc is also the time I often need the most help and have to let people in to help me. I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but I suck at accepting help. It is one of the most uncomfortable things for me in the world. I’m the person who walks around Target for an extra 15 mins looking for what I need instead of asking someone in a red shirt for help. I don’t want “bother” people who literally get paid to be “bothered”, so you can imagine how well I do when I have to rely on friends and family for help. And it’s not because the people who help aren’t supportive or loving or don’t show up in the ways I need. It’s all me. .. I’m the problem.. as the great Taylor Swift would say.

I struggle with needing and accepting help because

1. I don’t want people to see me in such a vulnerable state. It’s bad enough that I have to witness and deal with myself in a flare, I don’t want anyone else to have to witness/deal with.
2. I don’t want to be a burden.
3. I don’t want to be the sick friend who always needs help. I don’t want people to see me in an active flare and have it change the way they see me.
4. I worry if I let people in to see it all will they stick around? Woo… Taking a deep breath as I type this because this is a huge one for me. I don’t like what I see when Im in a flare, so why would anyone else? Why would anyone stick around and deal with these ups and downs? Why/How could anyone love/ support this version of me that I don’t love and support.
5. I don’t want to be judged.

The people in my life help because they love me, care for me, and want to be there for me. I know that I don’t make it easy for them to help and/or to know how to help. I resist their efforts and at times push them away. Not because I don’t want or need the help, but because of the above mentioned reasons and because I feel a responsibility to keep them away from this mess. These illnesses have already stolen so much from my life and have affected every aspect of my life they don’t need to impact anyone else’s. I am trying to control the ripple effect of damage. I don’t trust that people can sit in the damage with me and not be damaged or affected in some way. That’s the last thing I want for the people I love and care about

What I am slowly and I mean we are talking like snail’s pace slowly.. figuring out is I can’t do this alone and I can’t keep it to myself. To truly let people in, I have to let them in to all of it. All of the messy, human, insanely vulnerable, and insanely uncomfortable parts of this journey that I’m on. I can’t only let them in to the parts of the journey I love, accept, and celebrate. The parts of the journey that feel easy. I have to let them into all of it and at times that feels like jumping off a cliff. I have to trust the people in my village love me in all of the seasons of my life and journey.. hard to do when I don’t love me in all the seasons of my life and my journey.

So the next time I flare, and I say the next time because with my illnesses ending up in another flare is inevitable, I hope I can accept help a little easier, love myself a little more, realize that this is all part of this unexpected journey, and allow myself to be loved amidst it all.