It’s been over week since my last blog post and I’d love to be able to tell you that my insurance saga is all figured out and my happy ending is wrapped up with a nice, crisp, perfectly folded bow. Unfortunately, that’s not how life works, or at least it’s not how my life works. After 8 days, what I am left with is a bunch of possibilities. I could possibly end my Medicaid insurance get out of the QBM group. I could possibly be back with my occupational therapists by July 1st. I could possibly not be able to drop Medicaid and be back at square one forced to find new providers. There’s a lot of possibilities and while some are definitely better than others, none of them are ideal.

The road ahead is uncertain, but if I’m being honest it’s always been uncertain. I’ve been bushwhacking a path through a field filled with unexpected obstacles, twists, and turns for close to 3 years now. I’ve built and rebuilt and rebuilt my path many times, sometimes by choice, and other times because I’ve had to. Uncertainty has been my constant companion on this journey and while we are more comfortable with one another we are by no means friends.. we won’t be exchanging friendship bracelets anytime soon. I will say though that uncertainty has helped me strengthen my ability to be flexible, to adapt, and to say “It is what it is.”

A dear friend recently shared with me the prophetic and beautifully human words of the poet Andrea Gibson. Andrea is a queer and non-binary poet who is living with terminal cancer. If anyone knows uncertainty intimately, it’s Andrea. In a recent post titled “The Hardest Winter of My Life” Andrea wrote these words, “Neatly resolved stories signal that the exploration is over. Sometimes it’s not about knowing the answer, but being inside the question together.” I’ve read these 2 lines countless times since I received her post and I think about them all the time because they so beautifully describe what it’s like to embrace and be friend uncertainty. Doing so, is being inside the question or questions together.

I have many questions about what the coming weeks are going to look like when it comes to my health and navigating the bureaucratic obstacle course that is health insurance through the government. Uncertainty will be there and I want to embrace her and be in the questions with her. I say this now, but who knows what will happen when uncertainty comes knocking at 2am and she’s keeping me awake.. I may not want to befriend or be in the questions with her then.

All of our lives are uncertain.. for you Type A people I realize reading that sentence was hard and you need to probably take a break, do deep breathing exercises, and allow your blood pressure to return to normal as you don’t enjoy reminders that we actually have very little control in life. I totally understand.. that’s a truth I’m still not totally comfortable with myself. We have control over how we respond to the uncertainties that life throws our way. We have control over whether we decide to befriend uncertainty and be in the questions with her or if we try to outrun and ignore her powerful waves. If you’ve lived through and with uncertainty you know what her waves feel like and they can feel as if they are sucking the life right out of you. Know that if you let the waves come and you do your best to ride them they eventually calm.

So, in the spirit of Andrea Gibson may you embrace whatever uncertainties life has brought to your doorstep and may you allow yourself to befriend her and be inside the questions together.