Yesterday was a full circle moment for me. A moment that 2, 3, 4 years ago I could have never imagined happening. I led two 45 minute workshops on how I have used nature to help me ground and “heal” on my chronic illness journey. The BLC Sara (Before Long Covid) would have never imagined leading a workshop on grounding and meditation techniques as they weren’t really a part of my life. The closest I came to daily meditation was the calm down techniques and yoga I used with my preschool students.. If you’ve never experienced leading a classroom of 3,4, and 5 year olds through yoga movements, you’re missing out. It’s quite the entertainment.

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know that in the weeks leading up to yesterday’s workshop I was nervous or actually scared would be a better and more honest word to use. I was scared of many things.. failing, not being good at leading a workshop, having my symptoms flare in a room full of strangers, having awkward silence for 45 minutes, etc.. As you can imagine with my championship level what-if skills, the list went on and on and on. Ironically though yesterday morning the nerves went away and I felt this sense of peace and calm. This knowing in my soul that I knew what I was doing and that it was all going to be ok. That could have just been the delusion from lack of sleep settling in, but I went with it.

Yesterday sitting in a circle with some people I know incredibly well and others I’ve never met before I felt such a profound sense of community and a profound sense of I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I felt alive in the same way that I used to feel alive when I was in a classroom surrounded by preschool students. It’s a feeling I haven’t felt since I left the education field in November 2022 and it felt like coming home. I had resigned myself to the fact that I would never feel that kind of alive again and that I would never find another home that felt like the home of teaching. I think I may have found another home though..

I am not sure where all of this will lead, but I know that I’m on the right path. I know that offering these techniques, my story, and my knowledge is the road I am meant to go down. I have ideas about offering other workshops in the future, a support group for people with chronic illness, etc,. I am not sure on the ways I will share my story, knowledge, and the techniques that have helped me so greatly, but I know in the very depths of my being that I will.

And in a true full circle moment I have spent most of today lying in bed and dry heaving, but that’s chronic illness for you. One day you can be on the mountain top and the next day you may be in the valley, but it doesn’t mean you’ll never reach the mountain top again. The uncertainty is difficult, but I feel like I am getting better at meeting myself where I am each day and loving that version of myself. The version of myself sitting in a room leading a workshop and the version of myself laying in bed with a bucket nearby.. Each of them are part of me and part of my story.

If there’s something in your life that scares the absolute and total crap out of you, I encourage you to face that fear and do it. If facing said fear requires you to do something potentially dangerous, that’s on you. Don’t blame me for any adverse effects that come as a result of facing said fear.. I would place blame on the Universe.. that’s usually my go to when I need to lay blame at someone’s feet. I would encourage you to meet your fear and face it even if you knees are shaking and your heart is pounding because in doing so you might just find a new part of yourself and you just might feel alive in a way you never have before. So often we are taught if something scares you to run from it, but I think it’s important to examine our fears more deeply because sometimes what scares the shit out of us is actually the thing we need to do, face, the conversation we need to have, etc. You might find that the thing or things you have been running from are actually the thing or things you should be running towards.

Now, I will qualify this because I am certainly not a fear facing expert after yesterday’s fear facing moment. There are certain fears I will never be facing regardless of if I should be facing them or not. These fears include holding a tarantula, (actually being anywhere near a tarantula that is not inside some kind of cage), wearing spandex, eating liver of any kind, visiting Australia during spider season( Google it and you’ll understand), and flying on a tiny jet that looks and holds up in the air like a model airplane.