Yes, you read that title right. There have been many things I’ve celebrated the last two years that I never thought would be cause for celebration, such as being able to remember where I put my purse, being able to stand for more than 10 minutes, and being able to do a load of laundry myself. I’ve learned to celebrate the small and mundane things in life and while those celebrations have been weird, celebrating my disability application being approved takes the cake. There’s a reason Hallmark doesn’t have a line of cards to Congratulate people on being disabled. lol!

Yes it is absolutely something to be celebrated because it enables me to receive much needed financial benefits and the process I went through was much easier than the years some people spend fighting the system. It is a relief to have that process and the waiting behind me, for now. It’s also a relief to hopefully be done calling the Social Security Administration because let me tell you that is quite the adventure. I had no idea the SSA offers daily deals like they are K-Mart with their blue light specials. If I ever need a free life alert necklace, I know where to get one.

At the same time, it’s very weird to celebrate limitations that have completely changed how I function in life. Limitations that have made life the last 2 years really difficult. Limitations that have left me feeling like a burden and trying to find where I fit/ how to navigate a functional world as a person with functional limitations that aren’t always obvious or on display.

It’s a very mixed bag for me. On the one hand I am beyond grateful and excited for the benefits and on the other hand it just makes my limitations more real. It also has brought up a lot of fear for the future. Will I ever be able to go back to work and support myself? If not, what will I do? Will ever be completely independent again? Those are the questions that swirl in my mind and sometimes keep me up at night because the truth is I don’t have the answers to those questions and neither do my amazing team of medical professionals. Post Covid Syndrome is a disease that’s only 4 years old, has almost 200 unique symptoms, and is literally different for every person. There’s no way of knowing, which is really freaking annoying for someone who is a planner. I sometimes feel like if someone could give me an end date to this portion of the journey, I’d be able to make it through the journey much easier. But there is no end date with chronic illness. There might be an end date to the current level my symptoms are at, but I’m stuck with chronic illness like a stage 5 clinger for the rest of my life. She’ll always be with me in some way.

So yes it may seem weird to celebrate being disabled, but life is difficult and one has to find joy where they can. I’ve had multiple disability celebrations over the last couple of weeks and each one has been marked with joy, laughter, and a knowing that we are celebrating something I never thought I’d be celebrating and very much wish I wasn’t.

I’m embracing living in the and as A+ therapist says. I am joyful and sad. Relieved and fearful. Grieving and laughing. So often we live our lives in the land of “either/or” because that place is far easier to make sense of. Things are good or bad, happy or sad, right or wrong. It’s much more complicated living in the “and” because to do so we have to hold that two competing ideas can be true. But that’s being human. Our human experiences and emotions don’t fit nicely into aesthetically pleasing organization containers one can purchase at the Container Store. Lord knows my love of organizing self wishes they did. Side Note: I am pretty sure heaven looks like the Container Store. Unfortunately, being human and embracing our humanness is messy, forces us to get uncomfortable with uncertainty, requires us to surrender to living in the “and”, and leaves us celebrating things we never thought we would be celebrating

As I move forward, I’m doing my best to stay present in each day, stay off the twisty slide into the land of What if’s and fear, celebrate the little things, the big things, and celebrate the federal government labeling me disabled.