I turned 38 four days ago and my birthday was absolutely joyous. I spent it in my forest.. to be honest, it’s not actually my forest but I have claimed it as my own, which is why I tend to get annoyed when I see other humans in “my forest.” I also spent the day with some of my nearest and dearest. It was a celebratory day as birthdays should be. I think birthdays tend to also put us in a reflective mood. We can’t help but reflect on where we are, where we thought we would be at whatever age we’re turning, and what we hope the next year of life holds for us.

Reflecting in this season of my life is difficult because when I take the life I have now and compare it to the life I had before, this life always comes up short. I don’t say that because I am not grateful for the life I have now and the amazing people I have in my life, but I would still give anything to go back to my life before I got sick. A+ therapist put it best when she said, “You want to go back home, but you don’t have a home to go back too.” While she’s exactly right, that line felt like getting hit with a 2×4 right to the gut. That life and that version of me that felt like home no longer exist. I have been tasked with trying to move forward and build a life amidst the rubble of what was. Reflecting is also hard because I inevitably start “shoulding” all over myself. At 38 I “should” have my own house. I “should” be working full time. I “should” be further along than I am. I “should” be able to just push through these illnesses and get back to life. I “should” be over everything that happened. I “should” be able to think about teaching, classrooms, and school related things without crying. I could go on and on. I am really good at “shoulding” all over myself.

What I am realizing is that if I have to look back and compare, I have to look at where I was two years ago vs where I am now. I can’t compare healthy, fully functioning Sara to Long Covid Sara.. it’s not a fair comparison. I have to remind myself that 2 years ago walking from the fridge to my couch wore me out. 2 years ago people were frequently having to guess what I was saying because I couldn’t get words out. 2 years ago sitting in a crowded place wasn’t possible. 2 years ago I had to sit down at least once while getting dressed. 2 years ago I couldn’t drive due to fatigue and dizziness.

I am also realizing that reflecting at all, whether back or forward is not the healthiest of things for me to do in this season of my life. I look back and I see grief and the rubble pile of a life that was pretty much demolished. I reflect forward and I see a dark forest full of obstacles and scary “What if’s” lurking around every corner. It is much healthier for me to stay in the present and literally take my life day to day. In this season of my life there is little certainty and everything has to be written in my calendar in pencil because there’s no guarantee I’ll be feeling up to following through with commitments I’ve made. Everything in my life right now is “To be Determined.” Is it easy to live that way? Hell no it’s not. But is it authentic to where my body is at right now? Yes. For someone who struggles greatly with not following through with things, being seen as unreliable, and irresponsible, etc having to live life in such a way where multiple times a week I may have to cancel plans due to my body, is incredibly uncomfortable. I don’t know that it will ever get easy to have sacrifice commitments I’ve made to keep my body from crashing. Some people would say “Just don’t make plans and then you don’t have to cancel them”, but I don’t want to live my life like that. I want to live my life with hope. Hope that those plans that are written in pencil will be able to be traced over with pen because I’ll feel well enough to do them.

I am also realizing that “shoulding” all over myself is about as helpful as a broken umbrella in a rainstorm. The should’s I have come from society, from what I see others doing, from what other people think, say, feel, etc. The “shoulds” don’t come from the core of me. If the “shoulds” came from the core of me they would sound like: “I should put myself first.” I should take care of my body.” “I should turn my phone off and rest.” “I should stay home.” I should journal.” I should spend time outdoors.” “I should allow myself to feel whatever I need to feel for as long as I need to feel it.”

If you’re in a season of your life where looking back is painful and looking forward is terrifying, try taking each day as it comes. If you find yourself comparing, compare today to the day before. Don’t take the best years of your life and compare them to the most challenging, because you’ll always come up short. Let go of “shoulds”. There is no one path in life. We are all on our own journeys. There will always be people who don’t get your journey, agree with your journey, and/or judge your journey. That says far more about them than it does about you. Know you are entitled to feel whatever you need to feel for as long as you feel it. Healing is not a one size fits all jacket that you wear down a smooth road. Healing is unique to you and the road will be filled with valleys you’ll wish to never see again and mountaintops you’ll wish you could stay on forever.

Living day to day requires us to embrace and surrender to uncertainty. It requires us to live life in pencil while simultaneously hoping for the day we can live life in pen.