In an earlier post I declared myself the What-If Champion. I should also be considered the “Saving Others” champion. I am an expert at swooping in, taking on burdens that aren’t mine to bear, solving problems I didn’t cause, and taking responsibility for issues that have nothing to do with me. If I’d have been given a super hero name I would have been “The Rescuer.” I have found myself many times in friendships and relationships in which I wasn’t sure where I began and the other person ended. I have spent the better part of my 37 years on Earth disappointing and abandoning myself so as to not ever disappoint and/or abandon someone else. I have said “Yes” to commitments, events, dating people, etc when everything in my body was screaming “No.” I have put myself at the bottom of the list all in the name of “helping”, “saving”, “fixing.”

This week I read the book, “Wisdom of the Path” by Yasmine Cheyenne and this quote left me speechless ” No one ever said I should save people and yet I knew they wanted me to be strong and support them. Wanted me to do life on their behalf. Wanted me to carry their burdens. I thought this was my gift.” I cried after reading this quote because I felt so seen. My entire life I have thought that saving others, doing life for others, carrying the burdens of others was my gift. I thought it was what I was good at and many of the people I’ve had in my life reinforced these ideas. They were in my life because I would abandon myself for them, carry their burdens, do life for them, etc.

When I became sick and was no longer physically able to be the savior and to use my “gift” these people slowly disappeared from my life as I was no longer able to fulfill my role. I am slowly, and I mean very slowly learning, it is not my job to save anyone else and that any space, person, relationship, etc that requires me to abandon myself to keep the peace, to be loved, to be supported, etc is not for me.

Last week A+ therapist and I were doing more soul spelunking. If you’ve never done soul spelunking it’s where you descend down into the caverns of your soul and look at all the parts of yourself you’d rather not look at. It’s a lot like cave diving. It’s cold, dark, wet, and sometimes scary things come flying out at you. As we were cave diving into my soul and talking about my familiarity with self-abandonment and saving others I realized that doing so offered me protection. If I aligned myself with people who only wanted me because of what I could do for them, how I could support them, the ways I could show up for them, I never had to really be vulnerable. I never had to show up in those relationships and friendships as anything other than who the other person needed me to be. I never had to show up completely as myself.

I have amazing people in my life now who have zero expectations of me and just want me to show up as my complete self. They aren’t interested in me donning my cape and becoming “The Rescuer.” As amazing and freeing as that is, it is also a little terrifying because it is new, uncomfortable, and in this season of life I am still discovering who I am now. Who I am after the ash has settled among the ruins of who I used to be and the life I used to lead. Who am I if I am not saving, rescuing, helping, and fixing?

These days, instead of saving others I am turning those “gifts” towards myself. I am working on offering myself the love I so freely gave to others. I am no longer saying yes when everything inside me is screaming no. I am becoming ok with not abandoning and/or disappointing myself even if it means disappointing others. I am slowly figuring out who I am now and how to love this Sara. I know I’ve disappointed plenty of people along this journey and I am sure I will disappoint more, but at the end of each day my goal is to be able to look in the mirror and know that I didn’t disappoint and/or abandon the person staring back at me.

The always wise and total bad ass Glennon Doyle said it best “ Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.”
Glennon Doyle
“Untamed”