A simple, 4 word question I get asked all the time and I wish the answer to this question was as simple. I often don’t know what to say to this question, but I often respond with, “It’s a day by day journey” or “Some things are better, some are worse, some are the same.” or “I’m doing o.k.” I know people ask because they care and also because we are used to people getting sick, going to the doctor, getting treatment, and getting better. My illness journey doesn’t fit that trajectory, it never will ,and that is hard for people to understand

My illnesses are chronic meaning there is no cure for them. I can’t take a pill or pills and feel better. My illnesses are also relapsing and remitting meaning I can have days, weeks, months even where I am at my functional baseline and then days, weeks, months where I am not. Because of the nature of my illnesses there really is no feeling better. I am always sick. Sometimes my symptoms are driving the bus, sometimes they are upfront navigating the bus, and sometimes they are a passenger on the bus, but they are always there. When someone asks “Are you feeling better?” I don’t have the heart to respond with, “No I am still sick and will be for the rest of my life.” That’s a sure fire way to kill the mood and up the awkwardness level in any conversation.

Kate Bowler in her book, “No Cure For Being Human” writes, “We find it difficult to talk about anything chronic- meaning any kind of pain, emotional or physical, that abides and lives with us constantly. The sustaining myth of the American Dream rests on a hearty can-do spirit surmounting all obstacles, but not all problems can be overcome.” My illnesses can’t be overcome. I could take all the supplements, eat healthy, do nothing but rest, and I would still be sick. There is no mind over matter option to getting over chronic illnesses. Trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve run my body into the ground and crashed for weeks at a time all because I wanted to live like I wasn’t sick. Unfortunately, that is the reality of my life. I have to live like I am sick because I am.

If you’ve asked the above mentioned question before to me or anyone else in your world with a chronic illness, it’s ok. We know you’re doing your best and that it can be difficult to know what to ask or say about illnesses that never fully leave, but their intensity seem to wax and wane. It’s confusing as hell for those of us living with them, so I imagine it’s even more confusing for those of you on the outside witnessing or walking alongside the journey of someone with chronic illness. I

For me, I welcome questions such as, “How are you feeling today?”, “How’s your week been”?, “How many times have you listened to the Tortured Poets Department on repeat this week?” Those questions are much easier for me to answer than the question of “Are you feeling better?” because there is no better in the traditional since when it comes to chronic illness.